He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
