I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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