But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My boob is missing a layer of skin
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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