the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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