I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
