I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
