Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just blew my weed a kiss
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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