I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
