Your tits are I can't wait for
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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