Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
