Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
