Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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