All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
