No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
