So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
