i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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