I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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