well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
