I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
