I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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