is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
