I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
