I hate all girls vehemently.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
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She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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