i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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