i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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