I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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