Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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