im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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