i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
