Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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