i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
