guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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