I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't deserve a penis
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
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