he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
