SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
