The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
is wine microwaveable?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
