Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
