I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
