My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
