I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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