That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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