the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
