Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
