Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My life is pants optional.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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