Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
