and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
