12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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