I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
