I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
