i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
