My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
