Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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