Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
