I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
