Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
